I
was at a popular shopping mall with my kids a while ago buying
pizza. My children decided to go into the department store so they could
see the latest “wii” game if any. As I was about to join them, someone
tapped my shoulder and said please Madam Stella, forgive me for being
so rude I would like to talk to you and it’s urgent.
I
said okay, “no problem, what can I do for you?” She asked if we could
go to a quiet corner so we could talk better? I said “okay, as long as
it’s not far from where I could keep an eye on my kids.” So we walked in
and she brought out a magazine, flipped through and pointed at a lady
that was almost nude, all in the name of fashion.
She
said she wanted to talk to me because she knew that I was familiar with
the person in the magazine. I already knew where she was going and
started laughing. She got offended and wondered why I found it funny.
She
then started to raise her voice, saying that those of us who are role
models are supposed to be setting good examples, which was very true,
and that she has seen over five pictures of me at different events and
I’m always properly dressed and according to her “covered up”, which
was also true.
I
agreed with her and told her I was laughing because I had seen that
particular magazine and already had a conversation about it with my
sisters and a few of my good friends. One of my friends actually said,
“the beautiful ones are always properly and decently dressed but the
ugly, insecure, unintelligent and shapeless ones are the ones who flaunt
those worn out, stretch marked, oversized, body parts that should be
left covered”.
That
was actually the major reason I laughed and by the time I finished, the
woman was laughing harder than I was. We then sat by the food court and
started chatting. Her worries were very justified because she had a
sixteen-year-old daughter who would do anything to become an actress and
singer, she has been attending vocal classes, just to show how serious
she was. Her mum was rightfully worried because her role models are:
Guess who? Those same ladies in the entertainment world who give off
wrong signals.
It’s
a free world, we all know that, and people have freedom of expression;
we don’t have the right to judge or criticise people; one man’s meat is
another man’s poison; this is the 21st century; you must belong so that
you can be a happening babe; and so on and so forth.
True,
but at whose expense? I love Asa’s song titled, Fire on the mountain,
especially the part where she sang: Who’s responsible for what we teach
our children? Is it the internet or the stars on television? Why, oh
why. It’s one of my favourite songs, so forgive me if I use it all the
time.
We
forget that regardless of civilization, exposure and status, we are
still first of all Africans with values, culture etc. Believe it or
not, these are the things that amaze the western world, because they
don’t have that. They want to know the way we live, how we think, the
way we dress, the way we talk, our tradition and culture, the
peculiarity of our film-making.
They have turned African tradition and culture into major courses in foreign universities, it remains a mystery to them.
While
these are happening, we are busy trying to lose all that, just to be
like them at all costs. Most of the copycats have never even seen the
inside of the international airport. The information they get of the
Western world is basically from television and magazines. This is really
sad, because they think that when you are almost nude, every man will
want to get along with you, right? WRONG!
You
enjoy all the attention yes but try to tell him to introduce you to his
family, even as just a friend, then watch out for his reaction. Trust
me, the opposite sex will nearly kill his sister or his wife if they
dress like that, but they will let you do it because to them you are
just a piece of meat. My mother always used to tell me: “Dress the way
you want to be addressed”.
I
went to one of the cinema houses sometime last year and saw four girls
in their school uniforms, carrying knapsacks. They called out my name in
excitement and ran to me to sign autographs, which I gladly did. They
left and I saw an old friend of mine who started chatting with me.
In
less than 10 minutes, the same schoolgirls came out of the restroom and
when I saw what they were wearing, my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged
out in horror. They were wearing serious hot micro daisy duke shorts
with halter neck half tops. I couldn’t handle it, and it just occurred
to me that they packed extra clothes in their bags, went to school and
came straight from school to the cinema. My first question to my friend
was: Is there a dress code that I don’t know about for cinema now or is
something wrong somewhere? People don’t go into cold cinema halls half
naked, so they were obviously not there to watch a movie, and there was
certainly no party there.
When
young girls dress like that, what do you think they are trying to
achieve if not attention? You know that they will definitely not get the
right kind of attention. My heart started beating fast and I said a
quick prayer asking God to give me the wisdom to train my kids the way
my mum trained us.
These
girls could not have been more than 14 and that is scary. We need to
tell ourselves the truth. I’m going to take time out to explain some of
the reasons this happens and how we could make it better. We should not
condemn ladies who dress like that because some of them are going
through psychological issues, living in self-denial and have lost every
ounce of confidence and self-esteem to the point where they are
screaming “Attention”! They just want to be noticed.
Some of the reasons that I have discovered are: -
Upbringing:
This mostly is caused by the way the child is raised and what she is
exposed to at an early age. As we know, the biggest influence on kids
is television. Most parents don’t bother to control what their kids are
watching and learning. For instance, some music videos are not
appropriate for children because it has become a nude affair, and since
it is played in the minds of these kids, they begin to think it is
normal and acceptable especially when no adult is preventing them from
watching and telling them it is not right.
Parents
and older siblings also have to be careful with their own dressing
because kids tend to emulate the older ones. Another thing that worries
me is the fact that some mothers are actually the ones who buy these
clothes for their young daughters. They are the ones that even tell them
the names like, daisy dukes, tank tops, halters, strapless, British
cores, hipster, low waist jeans that shows the crack of the butt,
balloon micro and a host of others.
Exposure:
A lot of parents pride themselves on the fact that they can afford the
best things in life for their kids, which is very good. But they have
to be careful what they expose their kids to at an early age. For
instance, some parents need to realise that at a certain age there are
some places that their young daughters should not go, and there are some
friends they cannot be extremely close to. This might sound harsh but
trust me, the saying, “show me your friends and I will tell you who you
are”, is very strong.
My
daughter was invited to the shopping mall by her classmate whom she
said was also a friend and I insisted that the child minder and my
second daughter must accompany her. Hours later, when they came back it
was my younger daughter that told me that the girl who invited them was
wearing the kind of shorts I said they cannot wear. I called the minder
so she could explain and she said the girl was wearing hot pants and
was pointing at a bottle in the alcohol stand, saying her dad allowed
her to drink that adult drink and it was very nice.
Of
course, my older daughter came to me and said, “Mum her shorts had
Hanna Montana designs on them and they were really nice”. When I got up
and gave my daughter “the look” (she understands that look very well),
nobody told her to end her statement with “(but then again it was just
too short and I didn’t like that)”. I had to refuse any more gatherings
or meetings between my kids and the girl in question because I could
only imagine what a little girl her age would already have been exposed
to. Kids learn faster from their peers and television. This brings me to
the next one.
Peer
Pressure: This is the most common one because young girls who are not
properly grounded at home can be very gullible. They want to belong,
they don’t want to be laughed at or ignored; so once they see other
girls doing it, getting away with it and attracting the opposite
sex, they believe it’s the way forward. I have seen young girls who
would rather starve, or not pay for exams or even medicals, than miss
out on the newest skimpy skirt or cleavage showing tops, just to feel
accepted by others who are neck deep in it. If a young girl does not
follow this trend, they are called “old fashioned”, “old school”, “mama
Africa”, “sister mary”, “ITK”, “booky” and so on. No young girl wants
her peers to call her that, so automatically they would conform.
Psychological:
There are various psychological reasons that push young girls into this
mode. A lot of young girls cannot handle pressure. It breaks them
down. Most of them have parents that are not their friends and therefore
cannot share their thoughts and concerns. You find that most of them
either bottle these things up and then explode one day and do the
extreme; or they avoid the psychological trauma by following others so
they are not different.
Some
young girls have gone through a lot at a tender age which has really
disturbed them psychologically. Some have low self esteem, some feel
they are not appreciated because they are not as pretty as their sisters
or friends; others feel because their parents insult them with words
like, “you good for nothing girl”, “you are useless in this house.”
etc. The think the only thing they are good for is using their bodies
to attract men to make money so they can be useful. Some actually have
said that they wear crazy and revealing clothes to make up for other
areas of their bodies that are not so nice e.g. face.
You
would be surprised that when you listen to most of these young girls
talk about reasons behind what they do; instead of judging or insulting
them you would be compelled to help them because most of them are
misguided and some have been physically and mentally abused. So this for
them is their way of rebelling and punishing their folks.
We
need to find a way of showing them that we are not judging them but
want to help. They have to be taught that “people protect what they
love, cherish and respect. So if you treat your body like it’s an object
or a tool to get something by exposing it and showing the whole world
things that should be covered, then it means that you don’t love,
cherish and respect your body”.
It
is also our responsibility as celebrities, role models, house hold
names, etc. to set good examples and show the younger generation that
decency is very important. We tend to forget that we are being watched,
especially by these young girls who want to be like us. They copy
whatever we do, how we walk, talk, dress, behave and even our
expressions. We have to be careful with the way we do things that
influence the impressionable minds. These young girls will listen to
their favourite stars and emulate them more than their own mothers or
sisters.
A
lot of people may hate me or call me names because of this article but
like I always say, these are my thoughts and my opinion. I have a
responsibility and that is to speak the truth that I know.
Let us try to mentor these girls even when it seems they are not interested.
Quote: Dress the way you want to be addressed.
Stella Damasus
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