Kids, work, health issues, stress, money worries. You can probably think of a million things that are sabotaging your sex life. But with love, determination and a little creativity, you can find your way back to passion. Our experts outline a plan for transforming your lackluster sex life––in just four weeks.
Week 1
Start addressing unresolved emotional issues. Whether it’s something like “he never helps with the housework” or a larger issue like “intercourse makes me flash back to being abused as a child,” experts stress the importance of paying attention to the thoughts that are going through your mind during intimacy. “The majority of sex occurs between your ears rather than between your legs,” says Gilda Carle, PhD, a sex and relationship expert and the author of How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. If your mind is getting in the way of your pleasure, she recommends turning to talk therapy. Start by talking about your feelings with your husband. “If that leads to a dead end, seek out an impartial third party, like a therapist.”
Address unresolved physical and health issues. Not in the mood? Figuring out why can be one of the biggest and most important steps to regaining a vibrant sex life. Alan Gibstein, MD, ob-gyn, health expert for JustAnswer.com and an assistant professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the NYU College of Medicine, points out a few common culprits for women. Hormonal birth control pills, for example, can lower some women’s sex drives. “For many, there is a significant diminution of both the sex drive and the intensity of or ability to achieve orgasm on the Pill,” he says. Thyroid deficiencies can also affect libido, say experts, as can certain medications, including some antidepressants. Also consider having your cholesterol checked: A recent article in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found a correlation between high cholesterol and difficulty with arousal and orgasm. Similarly, encourage your husband to address his own health problems. Studies suggest that some degree of erectile dysfunction affects as many as 25 percent of men by age 40 and as many as 50 percent of men by age 70. Because research shows a link between erectile dysfunction and cardiovascular problems, it’s best to seek professional treatment.
Week 2
Give your bedroom a mini-makeover. If your love life is stagnant, your bedroom may be to blame. Take a look around: Is there laundry piled high? Stacks of dusty books and magazines? Old, worn-out sheets? A TV that’s always turned on? Research has linked bedroom clutter to unhappiness––even mild depression––and some experts say that it could also interfere with your sex drive. “A cluttered environment and unfinished tasks can make us feel out of control,” says Leslie-Beth Wish, EdD, a Florida-based psychologist and relationship expert. “When we feel like we aren’t in charge of our surroundings we can become overwhelmed or even depressed—both are killers to sexual excitement.” The solution? Declutter and clean! “Work with your partner to get the room in shape,” she says. “You will be accomplishing two things at once––feeling more in control and building a sense of teamwork. Doing housework together tends to make women feel closer to their partners.”
Talk to each other about sex, including your expectations, fantasies and fears. When’s the last time you actually had a conversation with your husband about sex? It may sound intimidating and make you feel vulnerable, but sex experts say that most couples avoid talking about “the s word” when, in fact, each other’s sexual expectations, fantasies and fears are what they need to know about most. “Ask yourself why you have avoided the ‘sex’ talk,” says Dr. Carle. “Is it because you’re afraid of being ridiculed, ignored or rejected for your desires? Feeling safe is the key to being able to explore your fantasies. Strive for that, and then everything else will fall into place.”
Week 3
Treat each other as if you’re dating again. The quickest path to a reignited spark of sexual attraction? Pretend like you’re trying to woo each other all over again, say experts. “If you had it once, you can light that flame again,” says Dr. Carle. “Just return to the days of heavy makeout sessions in the car. Play-act meeting each other for the first time at a bar, and then run off to have a rendezvous. Each time you remove yourself from your chore-inflicted life, you can move yourself closer to what started your romance.” Need help getting there? Think about the kindest thing your partner has done for you lately, the last time you shared a good laugh or the moment you fell in love with him.
Exercise together. Not only does exercise boost your endorphin levels and help you get fit, research also shows that it may make you feel sexier—especially if you challenge your husband to a little friendly fitness competition (think: tennis match, rollerblading race or indoor rock climbing). Here’s why: A study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior found that women who engage in healthy physical competition with their partners have 49 percent higher levels of testosterone—a hormone that can boost your sex drive. “Couples who play together stay together,” says Dr. Carle. “There’s nothing like watching each other in skimpy workout wear, and seeing the admiring glances your honey gets from others. You have him, and that’s a turn-on! Besides, if your sweetie cares about his body and health, he’ll be able to care more about yours.”
Week 4
Work on romance—outside of the bedroom. When’s the last time you called your husband at work and whispered something scandalous over the phone, sent him a racy text message or surprised him with a dinner date and tickets to a concert? Even the smallest displays of affection and love can go a long way in the intimacy department, say experts. “Little gestures say it all,” says Dr. Carle. “Leave suggestive little notes in his pocket, so that when he finds one, he’ll smile and be grateful for what he has at home. Every man wants to feel wanted.” Wish encourages her patients who are in sex ruts to practice spontaneous acts of love toward their husbands. “Make sure you do something that’s important to him––even if it’s not important to you. Buy him those golf gloves he mentioned, call his best friend to invite him over. These acts make your partner feel special and cared for—the exact feelings you want, too!
Plan a sexy getaway. Sometimes the cure for a lackluster sex life is simple: a change of scenery. It’s especially therapeutic for parents of young children or couples who have recently weathered a stressful ordeal, like medical issues or the loss of a job. “The more of a history you can build together, the more you can explore, laugh and recall together how meaningful it was,” says Dr. Carle. “Change your scenery and you leave behind the doldrums and re-establish yourselves as a sex-crazed couple, just as it used to be.”
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