To put the only stereotype of the frigid female to rest — and to
shed light on the dissatisfaction a lot of women feel in their sexual
relationships — we put out a call for stories from women who had been
physically involved with a partner who didn’t share their sex drive.
The emails poured in. From age 25 to 65, single, in relationships and married, women wrote to us about how they have struggled — or are still struggling — with the fact that they want sex more than their partners, often much, much more. We present their stories below not to blame men or women for these issues, but to showcase that sexual frequency is an issue for partners regardless of gender, age or marital status.
“I’m learning to accept that I am just going to have to be the aggressor”
My husband works 10 hour shifts, 6 days a week. We are both tired, stressed, sore, and overworked by the end of the day. But after our daughter has gone to bed, I like to set aside everything and be intimate with my husband. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the same ideas. He’s too tired, or too sore, or just “not in the mood.” We are a recently married couple, in our late 20′s. We should still have a decent sexual drive. It’s frustrating to me that he isn’t on the same page as me when it comes to sex.
I’m a 25-year-old, healthy, mother to a wonderful toddler, I work full time and go to school. I am engaged to an amazing man who is no doubt my match; sexually we’re perfect — except that I’m the one who’s always looking for some loving. Our sex life is great, better than most, we average about four to five times a week along with plenty of snuggling and cuddling as well. He is beyond happy with this but I’m dying most days. There are some days that I’m looking for round two or three and he’s running out into the garage to “fix something” or “off to do errands” because he can’t keep up with me. Because of this I find myself cranky and snippy because I don’t want to please myself, I want to share an amazing moment with the man I truly love with all of my heart. It kills me to know that sometimes the man of my dreams feels “forced” to have sex with me when he’d rather go to bed just to avoid a fight. I think it’s because of this our once 50-shades-of-the-rainbow kind of sex has become very black and white.
The emails poured in. From age 25 to 65, single, in relationships and married, women wrote to us about how they have struggled — or are still struggling — with the fact that they want sex more than their partners, often much, much more. We present their stories below not to blame men or women for these issues, but to showcase that sexual frequency is an issue for partners regardless of gender, age or marital status.
“I’m learning to accept that I am just going to have to be the aggressor”
My husband works 10 hour shifts, 6 days a week. We are both tired, stressed, sore, and overworked by the end of the day. But after our daughter has gone to bed, I like to set aside everything and be intimate with my husband. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the same ideas. He’s too tired, or too sore, or just “not in the mood.” We are a recently married couple, in our late 20′s. We should still have a decent sexual drive. It’s frustrating to me that he isn’t on the same page as me when it comes to sex.
It’s the main argument in our marriage. I can’t understand how six or seven days can go by, and sex just never happens. No woman wants to always take the initiative … If I didn’t speak up, I’m sure a month could just pass by without any intimacy at all. I would be happiest with intimate contact every day of the week, but I’ve tried to compromise to every other day. But even that doesn’t occur without a reminder. I’m learning to accept that I am just going to have to be the aggressor 95 percent of the time.“He bought me a vibrator so I would be happy and leave him alone”
[I] have had a difference in desire from my husband for about the last 11 years or more. We have sex a couple of times a year and sometimes it might be twice a week for a week and then nothing for months at a time. I have tried making his favorite meals, doing a week’s worth of really nice things to get him in a happy state of mind, wearing sexy clothes and lingerie — it doesn’t work. I have no idea what turns him on. My husband doesn’t respond to pressure, hates talking about it and it is a cause of stress on our marriage. He bought me a vibrator so I would be happy and leave him alone. It doesn’t fill the need, although sometimes I just enjoy the pleasure without the hassle and have to fantasize that my husband enjoys pleasing me.“I’m beginning to think that I will never find a partner whose sex drive is equal to mine”
He wouldn’t have sex while I was pregnant with each of our children. Talk about a long nine plus months. It was well over a year if no sex with our last child. Now that we have completed my our family I don’t know if we will ever have sex again. He says his work is done … We are completely happy otherwise. In total we have been together 20 years and married almost 11. We are each others’ best friend just not compatible lovers.
I’m a 65-year-old woman who has been divorced since 1991. Since that time, I have been in approximately six serious relationships. In every one of them, my sex drive was higher than my partner’s. Now I’m running into the problem that even if my partner is interested in having sex at all (much less as often as I would prefer), he has ED. I’m beginning to think that I will never find a partner whose sex drive is equal to mine. I’m very open minded and am interested in sharing a variety of experiences with my partner, not just intercourse. I do understand that sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it is very discouraging if sex IS important to you and you and your partner just aren’t on the same wavelength in that area.“By the time I’m 35, I may never have sex again”
I’ve been married 5 years to a man that’s 12 years older than me (he’s 40, I’m 28) and sex has nearly always been an issue … At first I thought it was my orgasm issues, then I thought it was his anti-anxiety meds, but he’s been off those for over a year and there’s been no change. I’m not sure how quickly we got here, but for at least the past few years I’m lucky to get lucky twice a month. And that’s with begging. BEGGING. My husband has nearly no interest, does not notice if I’m naked, states he doesn’t ever think about sex, refuses to see this as a legitimate problem, and if I’m to try to get him there, there is a laundry list of factors that have to be aligned for him: tired? work stress? comfy bedding? smelly breath? kids distracted?“I am not unhappy with my marriage just frustrated that I do not get any sex”
There is no pornography issue, he’s only had three sexual partners in his life, he’s fantastic at sex, says I’m very satisfying — but he only needs to be satisfied once a month. Even when we were separated for 6 weeks (job move) and reunited, I had to ask for it. But he was tired … So I do my best to trust in a higher power and purpose and not feel despair at the very real thought that by the time I’m 35, I may never have sex again.
I am turning 60 this year and yes I would love to have sex every day. It seems the husband is past his prime and rather watch TV no matter what I do to entice him. My sex drive has always been high and I have enjoyed a relationship or two where my partner could match that drive … I am not unhappy with my marriage just frustrated that I do not get any sex and have to reach for the handy vibrator instead of having the real thing.“[I] feel abnormal for wanting more sex”
I have been married for 15 years. My husband is 59 and I am 42. He never seems in the mood. Never any expression of passion or desire. I would say we have sex maybe 3 times a year. He has been checked out by the doctor all is really fine. I think he just has a low need for male/female contact. The problem is that not only is it not enough sex for me, [but] it makes me feel abnormal for wanting more sex. It affects my self esteem as well. After expressing this problem for many years with no change I feel like it is just a dead end!! And I am the one who is getting cheated.“To some guys a plate of food on the table when they get home is just as sexy and satisfying as a blowjob”
I’m a 25-year-old, healthy, mother to a wonderful toddler, I work full time and go to school. I am engaged to an amazing man who is no doubt my match; sexually we’re perfect — except that I’m the one who’s always looking for some loving. Our sex life is great, better than most, we average about four to five times a week along with plenty of snuggling and cuddling as well. He is beyond happy with this but I’m dying most days. There are some days that I’m looking for round two or three and he’s running out into the garage to “fix something” or “off to do errands” because he can’t keep up with me. Because of this I find myself cranky and snippy because I don’t want to please myself, I want to share an amazing moment with the man I truly love with all of my heart. It kills me to know that sometimes the man of my dreams feels “forced” to have sex with me when he’d rather go to bed just to avoid a fight. I think it’s because of this our once 50-shades-of-the-rainbow kind of sex has become very black and white.
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