My buddy and I were discussing our fondness for late-night
Cinemax movies — you know, those "erotic
thrillers" that ushered us through our adolescence? Their titles followed a
pattern: Dramatic Adjective Bad/Evil/Law-Based Noun:Dangerous Indiscretion
Naked Lies
Forbidden Sins
Hidden Desires
Indecent Behavior
Hard Vice
... and starred such wonderful actresses as Shannon Tweed, the Queen of Late Night Cinemax.
Everyone in these movies looks so smooth and confident. The guys and gals move in perfect unison, and know exactly what they are doing.
Of course, it's impossible for me to be that smooth in bed. I don't have the benefit of studio direction and multiple takes. So, the poor girl is just stuck with my first take, and all my bad moves.
Here are some of the worst moves I've made in bed:
Mid-Makeout Pass-Out
This has become an epidemic, as I've passed out, mid-makeout, with more and more frequency. I look lame, and the poor girl thinks she was boring. But the truth is, if I'm too wasted, I'll pass out over just about any entertaining activity...except for a Ravens game.
Awkward Clothing Removal
I feel clumsy taking anything off, even things that don't have hooks, latches, and straps. For example, I've tried to help girls get a shirt off, only to have it get stuck on her head (maybe the women I make out with have big heads?).
I'm no good at removing clothing from myself either. I wish I could do the sexy cross-armed shirt rip-off that the guys do in those Cinemax movies, but I'm not confident enough in my body.
I pull things off myself quickly. Usually, I'm in my too-tight jeans that require an extended shimmy to get out of. Once I'm out of those, my boxers must make a girl think: "Wow, how was he even breathing with that wedgie?"
The prints on my boxers are wacky: water buffalo, skiing penguins, oak trees, etc. I rarely "dress" to make out, because I never think it's going to happen.
I should remove socks early on, because I get stuck in my black, old-man work socks and boxers with no shirt. In fact, one time a girl demanded I remove the socks when I was down to socks and boxers and I refused....and we stopped making out.
Bad Segue Skills
I'm not good at moving the operation from hanging out to making out. I wilt in that quiet, gazing into each other's eyes, "now what?" moment.The grab-and-kiss move seems forceful, and a gentle approach gives me too much time to talk myself out of it.
When I'm with a girl in bed, I suppose the nerves kick in as I determine whether I should touch her or not. So what else is there to do other than run my mouth and tell really dumb jokes and stories? Kills the mood pretty fast.
Media Distraction
I should probably not even have the TV on when I'm making out with a girl; I can't help but glance at it when it's on, even if it's a 4 a.m. infomercial about a miracle cleaning product. I try to do it so she doesn't notice, but there's a good chance she catches my wandering eye.
I get too involved with the music that's playing. I long to get up to adjust/change music, and I lose focus on the matter at hand.
Condom Issues
I'm supposed to let the girl put the condom on me, but I never do. I don't want to cede that control because I'm afraid my erection will go away if I don't put it on myself quickly.
And, despite my fifty thousand lessons through sex ed (yes, I even remember to pinch the stupid tip), I am terrible at putting them on. The condoms I tried to put on but didn't use end up strewn around my bed like little beached whales.
Asked for Performance Evaluation
I no longer try it, but in my younger days I have done the awkward: "Was it any good?" So embarrassing and lame.
Poor Masturbatory Scheduling
The worst is when I didn't plan on getting lucky and I've been masturbating multiple times all week, and then I've got nothing for the actual act. I've worn myself out.
I once asked a married friend what he does when he's been masturbating all weekend when his wife is out of town and she returns home wanting sex: "I just take one for the team, man."
Which of these moves is the worst, and what bad moves do you pull in bed? What's the worst move a guy has pulled on you?
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