23 Bad Sex Moves

From the mid make-out pass-out to leaving the TV on, it was a list of real oh-no-he-didn’ts! But after over a decade of my own slut baggery, I’ve come up with another 23. Here’s what I’ve learned while piling up the food at the man buffet. It’s nice to think my exploits will somehow benefit mankind …

1. Hassling me about using a condom.
2. Not even trying to get my bra off.
3. Hanging a mirror next to your bed so you can watch yourself.
4. Making so much noise I nearly pop a vocal chord trying to fake an orgasm.
5. Forgetting to clip those daggers you call toe nails.
6. Putting in porn you know I don’t like.
7. Getting so bossy with sex directions I feel like your dick is a piece of Ikea furniture I’m trying to put together.
8. Not stopping when I say “ouch,” “stop,” “don’t” or our safe word—”Ruth Buzzi.”
9. Suggesting my best friend would make for the perfect threesome.
10. Being totally closed off from the idea of incorporating sex toys.
11. Expecting me to do all the work on top.
12. Saying my body is a “wonderland” or other cheeseballs.
13. Grabbing me by my ears or pushing my head.
14. Being too gentle; I’m not made of porcelain.
15. Not reciprocating foreplay.
16. Skipping foreplay altogether.
17. Licking me like a dog.
18. Trying to sexy roar like a lion.
19. Jack hammering.
20. Not showering.
21. Not asking what I like.
22. “Accidentally” slipping it in my butt.
23. Asking to me to masturbate when you’re too lazy to finish the job you started.

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